13
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Monday, August 30, 2010

tinatanaw

mainit. alam mong dapit hapon noon subalit ramdam ng bawat isang lumalakad sa eskinitang iyon ang singaw ng init na ibinubuga ng sementadong daan. dagdag pa ang panaka-nakang pagdaplis sa balikat ng makakasalubong mong kapwa minamadali ang mga hakbang, sabik na ilapat ang mga katawang bugbog sa maghapong tunggalian. 

maliwanag naman sana sa daang iyon kung bawat poste sana'y gumagana ang bumbilya. subalit hindi. ang isa nga'y aandap-andap na't tila ilang minuto na lamang ay tuluyan na ring bibigay.

sa mga gilid-gilid ay ang mga naipong tubig baha na syang langit ng mga lamok na nangingitlog at syang nagbibigay ng panaka-nakang mabahong amoy sa t'wing iihip ang tuyong hangin. na siya namang sinasalitan ng mga plastic na basurang pinaghalo-halong basong inuman, pinagbalutan ng chichirya at pinagsuputan ng kung anu-anong pinamili ng mga tao.

malayo pa lamang ay tanaw mo na sya. doon sa tabi ng apaw sa duming basurahan. sa saliw ng mga nagpipistang daga at ipis, dinig mo ang impit nyang mga pagluha. pilit na isinisiksik ang hubad na katawan sa konkretong pader at ng drum na ginawang tapunan. nakatalungkong yakap ang mga sariling binti. ang mukha'y basang-basa ng mga pinaghalo-halong luha, uhog at laway. tuloy pa rin ang kaniyang pagpalahaw. walang tigil. tila di napapagal.

ibinaling mo ang iyong tingin sa mga dumaraan. nandun pa rin ang mga mukhang nagmamadali. mga mukhang sabik sa pahinga. mga mukhang sabik sa solusyon sa kani-kanilang problema. mayro'n ding mukhang blangko. sa mabilisang pagmamasid mo sa kanila, batid mo na agad na di nila pansin ang hubad na batang lalaki sa tabi ng basurahan. tinanong mo din sa sarili mo, sadya kayang di nila napapansin ang paslit? o sila'y pawang mga nagbubulag-bulagan? nagbingibingihan? o minanhid na ng araw-araw na pagdaan doon, sumasaksi sa araw-araw ding pagpalahaw ng hubad na batang lalaki?

doon lalong nagpalahaw ng iyak ang bata. namimisabis ang daloy ng luha't sipon sa kaniyang munting mukha. taranta ka nang nagpalipat-lipat ang tingin sa bata at sa paligid, tila nagpapasaklolo sa kung sinong di naman makita. bumibigat na ang iyong mga paghinga. sinasabayan na rin ng paggitil ng malamig na pawis sa iyong leeg at likod. naglalakad pa rin ang mga tao. nabulabog ang mga dagang nagtatampisaw sa mga tira-tirang pagkain. dinig naman sa di-kalayuan ang hiyawan ng mga nagtatawag ng pasahero. maging ng tawaran ng di magkamayaw na tindero't makulit na mamimili.

gustong gusto mo na syang hawakan. gustong gusto mo nang haplusin ang mga braso nyang tadtad ng mga sariwang latay, gumuguhit ang mga natuyong dugong tila hapunan ng mga nakadapong langaw. ang mga paya't nyang hita'y balot ng mga putik habang nagnanaknak naman sa paa ang isang malaking sugat na tila kanina lang nalapat. paano'y sagana pang dumadaloy ang sariwang dugong amoy mo ang lansa.

yayakapin mo na sya. hindi mo na kaya. kumakatok na ang mga luha sa iyong mga mata dala ng matinding habag sa hubad na batang lalaking hindi mo naman kilala. tatawirin mo na ang estrangherong distansyang naghihiwalay sa inyong dalawa.

hahakbang ka na lamang sana ng ika'y nagitla. dinadaluyong ka ng napakatinding sakit. abot langit na hapding pumaparusa sa bawat kalamna't mo't sumusupil sa taglay mong lakas. tila nauupos na napaupo ka na lamang sa eskinitang iyon. dinuduwag ng kung anong pwersang hindi mo maipaliwanag, na kailanma'y di maaarok ng iyong kaisipan. laksa-laksang damdaming pagkalungkot, takot, kirot at hangad na pagkalimot.

habang pinagmamasdan mo ang hubad na batang lalaking patuloy pa din sa kaniyang pagpalahaw, natanto mo ang isang napakapait na katotohanan. hindi mo pala kayang hawakan ang paslit. hindi mo sya maaaring yapusin. at kailanma'y hindi mo sya malalapitan. dadaan ang lahat ng tag-ulan at tagtuyot, lumuha ka man ng dugo't sakmalin ni kamatayan, tatanawin mo lamang sa di naman kalayuan ang hubad na batang lalaking iyon. at doon, sa iyong pagtanaw sa kaniya, iyong mapapansin. halos sentro sa madungis niyang noo, isang munting pilat ang nagtatago. munting pilat na pamilyar sa iyo. munting pilat na alam mong iyo nang nakita dati pa at araw-araw mong nakikita. munting pilat na iyo na ngayong maingat na sinasalat.

tuloy pa rin ang salubungan ng mga taong naglalakad sa eskinitang iyon. marumi pa rin. mabaho. di alintana na sa gitna ng nagdudumaling mundong iyon, dalawang tinig na ang nagpapalahaw ng iyak. at doon na nagsimulang gumuhit ang nagngangalit na liwanag sa langit. sunod ay ang kaniyang malutong na mga pagmumura. at sumandali pa, nagsimula sa mga mumunting hikbi, pati langit ay nagsimula na ding magpalahaw.
___

Attachment and detachment
Hello and goodbye
The cycle of my life
Tell me
How often must I die?
-Maria Lourdes B. Abulencia
11
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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Prologue(s)

I. 
You held me light, never tight so as not to exhaust me. 
You thought you're giving enough air so I can breathe. 
But didn't you know?
You're the only air I wanna breathe?

II. 
Your slightest stir on my untamed flesh thrills 
my hermiting soul.
The cursed princess stirred, now half-awake. 
And it's not even a kiss yet.

III. 
Stares of nothingness from your eyes were piercing enough 
to dawdle my questions;
leaving strings of euphoria;
ending my unconquerable ire.

IV. 
Back then all important was what catches the sight. 
Now, no more pretentious masquerades and solitaire
when tangible is only a throb away. 

V.
And so the page turns. 


___
"Now, drive me faraway. I don't care where. Just far away."
-Deftores

Sunday, August 22, 2010

SUNDAY Piece 013: Sustain

Let the earth bleed
and the virgins die
For the wrath of the gods
excruciate the viles
For neither the lords
nor the governors
could escape or evade
such fleeting 
fearful grudge.

They will curse the heathen
the haughty oh proud
They will call damnation
's if their saviour
their christ
For the greed for blood
shall never be deprived
Or the need for lust
crave for flesh, amass

Shall the great orb light
blackens at midst
and the pieces of quartz
almost half deceased
then the promise time, alas!
Let the trumphets horn
so the judgment begins. 

-The Prophecy of Lun Yap
by Desole Boy/ 01272010/ 12.20am
___

i am tired. let me rest in your lap, can i?
___

"I'f I'm too cowardly 
to give my life
at least I am brave
enough to take it. "
-Maria Lourdes Abulencia, May 1976. 

31
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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

An open letter to my future love

Dear You,

During times like this, when I'm most vulnerable and in silent pain, my thoughts would go wonder to that place venerated by your presence, imagining the things you're doing, making a rough sketch on my mind how you look like while figuring out what's running on your mind. That hopefully, yours is making the same leap about me.

I hope you won't get mad when I tell you this, that sometimes, I doubt your very existence. There is that part of me questioning my patience, asking, what are you doing during those solid 23 years, wondering, what's taking you so long.

Anyway, I'm leaving it all up to God, for I sure hope He's perfecting an elaborate epic love story for both of us! Don't you agree?

But please, promise me you'll never be "perfect." I don't want you to be the best looking guy there is, for i'll probably always get annoyed with others constantly ogling at you. I want you to be as simple as you are, though in my eyes, the most beautiful man there is. You don't have to be the richest. I won't mind eating on those street carts and carinderias for as long as I'm with you.

In the same way, I can't promise to be "perfect." You know how my mood swings can get worse. I hope you'll be patient enough to handle them and would just laugh at my melodramatic tendencies. Your tight and warm embrace were enough to make me calm then surrender. You should know that.

I am very sorry too that I'm too much of a brat to learn how to cook, wash the dishes and do the laundry. But i'm trying! I hope you love pasta coz I'm learning a few recipes of them lately.

I know I can even get freaky jealous at times, probably brought about by those countless rejections and heartaches I get to taste while we're apart that built up my tower of insecurities. But it won't matter anymore once you're here. We'll bury them together and leave them over the past where they belong.

However, this I can promise. No matter what lies ahead in our future, I can always be your bestfriend who's willing to listen when everyone refuses to. I promise to laugh at your every joke even though I've heard it countless times already. I will forever remain your number one fan, the silly guy who silently squeals with your simple gestures for I always have this highschool crush on you.I don't know how am gonna do it, but I'll promise to make you fall for me over and over everyday, for as long as time would allow me.

But above all, remember this. I won't stand in your way if ever comes the day (which I hope not) you'll choose someone better than me. Someone you can live quietly with the blessings of your family, friends and this society. It'll be quite difficult for me letting you go, but for your happiness, I know I can't say no.

For now, I will wait patiently, palms held together in prayer. And if you're out there somewhere waiting for me, just listen. It might be me, the next one to knock on your door.


Until our eyes finally meet,
Me




___
"Even before I was touched, I belonged to you; you had only to look at me."
-Louise Gluck

____
as inspired by Cathy Babao-Guballa's article for The Daily Inquirer last August 8, 2010 "My daughter's letter to the man she will love someday"



13
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Sunday, August 15, 2010

SUNDAY Piece 012: Let Me Live

i can hear your silent cries but i myself lament the fact that i can do nothing but write a post in honor of all of you, praying that it may somehow reach the snob ears of the gods playing Yahtzee in their well polished dens.
[to the unborns]

i deeply regret our disagreement. while your logic and intelligent reasonings, you say, were for a greater cause, such are the health of our beloved women and the population problems of this country, you say, with conviction i am telling you, no matter how tighter you create the knots, the loophole of a halo is bigger than your twisted proposition. there just can't be a right way in killing life, 14 weeks or less in a mother's womb. excuse my incomprehension, will you?
[to EnGendeRights, the Center for Reproductive Rights and other proponents of legalization of abortion]

you are a god! within you, you carry a seed of the future. you may have done a mistake, if that's how you're seeing it, but an angel is not a by-product of that "mistake." and if you're thinking you are alone, then why do you think that angel is given to you?
[to the future mothers]

i apologize for digressing to my usual posts here. we may not agree at all given points but i would like to think that we're just all aiming for one noble purpose - the betterment of this mankind. 
[to my cherished readers]


___

Is this the world we created?
What did we do it for?
Is this the world we invaded
Against the law?
So it seems in the end
Is this what we're all living for today?
The world that we created.


Is this the world we created?
We made it on our own.
Is this the world we devastated.
Right to the bone?
If there's a God in the sky looking down
What can He think of what we've done
To the world that He created?


-from the song Is This The World We Created? written by Freddie Mercury and music by Brian May


the author and his niece

22
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Thursday, August 12, 2010

sometimes it's all about me baby

finally, desole boy got no more fever, which explains the blurry mode and ambiguous entries the past days. and so am out again, ready to face new guys...i mean new challenges (put down your eyebrow babe, hihi) on the road. so, let's begin with this lame joke i got somewhere:

SADIST: I'm bored. Why don't we torture a cat?
ZOOPHILE: Yeah! We'll torture it then fuck it.
ASSASSIN: We'll torture it, fuck it then kill it.
NECROPHILE: We torture it, fuck it, kill it, then fuck it again.
PYROMANIAC: Yeah! Then we'll burn the cat

---SUDDEN SILENCE---

SADIST: Why don't you say something?
ME: Meow...

___

after a long period of sickness and so much emotional instability, i've got nothing on my brain left now coz most of the contents are flushed down the toilet when i puked. but luckily, i was tagged on one of those notes in facebook,. and so, to keep this blog from not being flushed down the toilet, like the contents of my brain, am posting it here and maybe you'll find it interesting. especially if you want some kicker from those mind boggling entries of other bloggers. peace fellow bloggers!!!!

___

The 25 Random Things About Desole Boy

1. This is actually my second blog. The first one is already 1 year old and it deals with politics and international affairs. So please, don't go bother looking for it, okay?
2. I love Japanese animes, especially those that are not yet popular here in RP. I love them in their original Japanese dub. My top 2 faces are KATEKYO HITMAN REBORN and KYOU KARA MAOU
3. I'm so weird, I once draped my room with black curtains. My lola was so horrified when she saw it.
4. I learned to ride the bicycle at the age of 21. Since then, biking became my official sports.
5. Modesty aside, people would compliment me saying am very talented.
6. I disagree with the above. Often, I feel like I'm jack-of-all-trades but master of none.
7. I almost died due to typhoid fever back in high school.
8. Speaking of high school, that was when I get to taste my first heartache. I'm so ugly then (actually up until now) so I really don't know where I got the courage to court this popular girl in my year who's stunningly beautiful (or so I think back then). I gave her a bouquet of roses. She accepted them but not the love am offering. =(
9. I'm currently in the 3rd year running of me and my bestfriend's bet of me remaining NBSB (no boyfriend since birth) for 5 years or else am gonna pay her 5 thousand bucks. Anyone willing to pay her? Hihi.
10. Regina George's fave movie is Varsity Blues. Mine is Mean Girls.
11. I copied number 10 from the guy above.
12. I think I have ESPN. Kidding! I mean ESP. I can tell if its going to rain.
13. People may think I am very liberated, radical and modern. But the truth is, am very conservative, reserved and religious.
14. I love porn.
15. Burned them weeks ago, magazines, dvds etc.
16. Alright, I kept a few good ones.
17. For a Christmas Party of our department in ABS-CBN, I joined a pageant where I have to look like a drag queen in front of Tony Velasquez and other prominent people, threatened by my boss that if I back out,  I am soooo fired!
18. I learned how to smoke at the age of 7 or 8, thanks to my uncles. But no, am not a smoker at that young age.
19. I can eat a maximum of 5 servings of Leche Flan in one sitting.
20. I am a trouble magnet. Twice, I' got myself sitting in front of the Guidance Counselor for same reason: naghamon ng away at natuloy sa away.
21. I'm super torpe. (so imagine how I did number 9. am totally shaking back then)
22. Am still a virgin.
23. Believe it or not is up to you.
24. Or maybe you want to find it out for yourself?
25. I've got nothing more to say, I think am starting to bore you guys.

Yey! Done!

i hope none of the above will be used against me in the future. so keep your mouths shut. It will be our little secret, geddit?

___

"Talking about oneself can also be a mean to conceal oneself."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
8
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Monday, August 9, 2010

kung maaari sana

[para sa isang taong lagi sa mga panaginip ko ngunit wala sa mga pangarap ko]

kinulang pa ng isa, sakto sana sa dalawampu
sapagkat kulang ang daliri para sa wasto.
kung pagmamasdan mo nga't
titgnan pang mabuti
kita na ang mga aninong
sumasayaw sa ritmo
sa mga pahinto-hintong imno.


isa, dalawa, mga matang luwa.
tatlo, apat, lima, damit na luma.
anim, pito, nawala ang walo.
siyam, sampu, susunod sa dalawampu.
dala-dalawa, parehong kaluluwa.
isa-isa, lambong ng luksa.


nilaro-laro nga ang mga salita't
minura-mura ang mga berso.
pantay-pantay ang lapat.
bawat himig humehele sa lintik.


kaya hanggang ilan ang kayang bilangin?
paano kayang pagagalingin?
saan-saan huhugutin?
bakit pa papantayin?
kung buo na ang sugat
at ampat na ang dugo,
saka pa lang aamin,
iba ang bilang, lalo pa sa isa.

___

the poem written above was originally posted on my Facebook account. a friend commented and here's what he said:

umiindayog ka man
sa saliw ng tadhana
tanging impit
yaong mga tinig...


___


"A teardrop is insignificant in a pool of water, but it can touch the soul as it runs down someone's face."
-Anonymous
10
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Sunday, August 8, 2010

SUNDAY Piece 011: More or Less

"Love is not blind -- it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less."
-Julins Gordon
11
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Thursday, August 5, 2010

lonely housewife

I  
tick tock...tick tock... I



i was frantically drumming my fingers over a pile of books. i tried reading them but can't make sense even a single word of them. i went for a walk, hoping to bump with some acquaintance to ease the waiting, but i reached the other building yet no one came. or it might be that my mind is still wandering somewhere. and so i failed to hear people calling my name, or felt their pinches on my left arm.

I  tick tock...tick tock... I

i went back on my table. i tidied it up a bit. i arranged my books. thew away unnecessary papers. i shifted on my seat. stared at the tv monitor [can't head nor tail what it's saying]. i turned to the computer, but there's no internet connection [it's always like that].

I  tick tock...tick tock... I

after a huge yawn, without checking my phone, i packed my things. swiped my access badge then begun trailing an almost 10 minute walk to the bus stop. before that, i checked my wallet and count the paper bills in it, but no luck. they weren't enough for me to hail a cab. sooner, i was like awakened only to find myself in the middle of north luzon expressway, sitting on the last row of a non-air conditioned bus. after a minute [or so i think], i called the attention of the bus conductor, told him am alighting over the next stop. 

I  tick tock...tick tock... I

at home, i went straight to my room to drop my things, then, picked up the towel for a trip to the bathroom. i stripped down and left nothing. i let the water drown me temporarily. satisfied, i dried myself up. later, i grabbed a freshly laundered boxer shorts and a sando from the drawer, then head straight to the dining table. i ate quietly. when finished, i left the dishes at the sink then proceeded to brush my teeth and for a gargle of mouthwash. 

I  tick tock...tick tock... I

after killing the lights, i climbed on my bed. for the first time since at work, i checked my phone and i felt a small trickling on my stomach. i laid it down on my bedside table. in the name of the father, and of the son and of the holy spirit - and with that, i cover myself up with a blanket, a pillow covering my face. i fell asleep. 

I  tick tock...tick tock... I

And again it is night.
At day, I wish for night to come.
That I would finally get to dream, 
rest my head, be free to flee.

But never did I know
of the frail sound of mellow
of solitude
that's now consuming me.

I wish for the morning to once again dawn.
A chance to redeem 
my lonely broken soul.

___

"Carry me, like you were my brother. Love me like a mother. Will you be there?"
-from the song Will You Be There by Michael Jackson

18
reaction(s)

Sunday, August 1, 2010

SUNDAY Piece 010: Seed and Fruit

MAN: Master, what are you selling?

BUDDHA: Whatever your heart desires.

MAN: I want peace of mind, happiness and freedom from fear...for me and the whole world.

BUDDHA: (smiling) I don't sell fruits here, only seeds!
___

ADDITIONALS:

i was sitting alone on a bench, reading a book while tuned in on my i-Pod, days ago in Greenbelt when this guy approached me and introduced himself. he's so cute, he immediately jumped onto my lap then kissed me.

guys, meet Basti.



















he's so sweet and adorable, yes?
















see? he just can't wait to lick kiss me!
 

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