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Sunday, September 26, 2010

Denouement

DB's Thanksgiving Week ends today. the deeds are over. the echoes? let's hope it reverberate longer as one would wish.
__

I survived the war but i did not win the battle. 
The guns no longer in anger, the canons now tamed. 

among bloggers i look up to, Kane, asked me what's next after this. honestly, i was dumbfounded when i first read the question. really, what now DB, i asked myself. after hours of contemplating, i realised, i have to choose the thing that my 23 years in this world has thought me rigidly...

live.

when holidays are over everything must go back on track. it can't be forever a feast. the same goes with every catastrophe that comes. after it sails away, then the rebuilding must commence. the world will not stop for a single celebration, neither by any tragic blow. least of all, because of a stupid heartache.

i survived the war but i did not win the battle. i got wounds all over. i probably got my heart amputated. but i survived to tell the tales. and you know what? i will always will! because in here comes my worth. that again, i may be allowed to live.

The air is silent, the deceased scattered. 
Look! A mighty soul standing. 
He is not alone. 

___
this is my 50th post
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Friday, September 24, 2010

we don't say goodbye

for a month, one of my closest cousins, my Ate Leah, together with her husband Donald and my uber cute niece Gabby, had their vacation here in the Philippines [they are currently based in S. Korea in line with Donald being part of the US Army].

we are all very excited! for one, it's been 4 years since my cuz left the country for her job. second, we finally get to meet Donald and Gabby. and third, syempre madameng pasalubong, hehe. 

the entire month of their stay was a blast! despite Donald and Gabby getting hospitalized (probably because of climate change plus the water and food here), my uncle almost having a heart attack (from all extreme family activities maybe) and dengue fever starting to kick in while having our vacay at Subic (which would be the topic of my next post), the entire ride was a sure fire!

and what's surprising is that Donald and i actually became close buddies. the dude is totally fun to be with although i have to admit i did avoid him in some occasions for being sooo extreme. i had to try different water sports, learn ice skating (which i really really hate) and do mind boggling arcade rides. but he had me with my favorites like, jet skiing, bowling and paint ball (laser nga lang pala. no paints). another thing we commonly shared is music. the guy is a saxophone player. how cool is that, eh? i would love to jam with him. me on the piano, him doing sax and my ate on vocals. hehe. its just me dreaming...

Donald trying to teach DB how to skate


DB and Ate Leah

for their last night here in the Phils, Donald threw a what he called "All American Dinner Party."
as in strictly no Asian cuisine. i think the highlight of this night is when i sang Bohemian Rhapsody. remember the opera part? my entire family sang that and totally nailed it, some neighboors actually checked us out! i forgot most of them are natural born singers. but too bad we didn't get to capture it in a video. so, no evidence for our crime. =(





when the time for them to leave arrived, everyone was sober. but what i didn't expect at all? seeing Donald hugging us goodbye with tears. actually no, he didn't say goodbye. he said see you soon.


a day after we drove them to the airport, i got this message from him in Facebook:


by the way, he left me this as a gift with writings at the back that says: will see you soon!


___
Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'
-C.S. Lewis
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Monday, September 20, 2010

DB says Thank You

the drama sequence ends here officially. or probably just temporarily. who knows? but all the same, i'm suspending it in no definite term. so i'm welcoming you dear readers to another sequence of Desole Boy's life script. Welcome to Sequence 2.
__
last Sunday, after a night of booze and vodka drowning and the next morning's struggle to perform well at work, on my way to church, the conversations i had with so many people on that short span of time made me decide: it's going to be DB's Thanksgiving Week!

weird right? but here's the backstory.

lately, i am literally being bombarded with huge difficulties. personal, family matters, financial etc. name it and i have it.

but amidst all these problems, i took it by heart, the saying count your blessings, for the very first time and voila! indeed, i realised i have so much to be thankful for.

to name a few,

--for one, i got out alive from being inflicted with Dengue. hallelujah for that! i must admit the entire hospitalization humbled me and made me realise how people actually care so much about me. what's more is that those people whom i least expected to stay overnight in the hospital are the ones who actually didn't sleep at all, wiping my body with wet towel to help ease my fever, holding a basin as i vomit almost every 10 minutes and walking me over to the restroom so i can pee. even poop. i feel like i don't deserve all their care considering that i know for myself that i'm never the good son, cousin, nephew, godson and a grandson. so having these people beside me, they don't have an idea how i'm happy and thankful. hindi pala 'ko nag-iisa.

--yung inuman nung sabado ng gabi kasama yung barkada ko. actually mali palang sabihin na barkada. ayaw kasi namin ng salitang yun. para kasi sa 'min, kulang na kulang ang salitang 'yon para ikabit sa kung anong meron ang samahan namin. sa bigat ng mga pinagdaanan namin ng magkakasama, hindi na nga kami magkakabarkada. magkakapatid na nga siguro kami. sila yung mga taong pinagkakautangan ko kung ano man ako ngayon. kung hindi siguro dahil sa kanila, mas patapon ang buhay ko ngayon. sila yung mga taong nakasama kong maglakad hanggang Cubao kasi wla kaming mga pamasahe. mga taong nakasalo kong kumain sa isang plastic ng kanin habang nakasalampak sa isang sulok ng campus. at kasamang nagtaas ng kamao sa ilang mob na sinamahan namin. siguro nga kaya ganung kalalim ang naging pagsasama namin dahil mas marami kaming mga hirap na pinagsamahan. at sa gitna ng lahat ng hirap na yun na hinarap namin ng magkakasama, dun kami nakahanap pare-pareho ng kasiyahan. salamat talaga. hanggang ngayon nandyan pa rin sila. kasalo sa inuman. matibay na sandalan. 

--then of course there's always my family. am telling you all, we're probably one of the worst family you'll ever find. while we have so much law enforcers among us, we also had the law breakers. drug addicts, sex workers, robbers, adulterers even an assassin (my uncle told us this story about a distant relative who became a hired killer for a certain politician) we had them all. but most of them are now reformed, so relax guys. but despite all these and the fact that we are so poor, i wouldn't trade them for anything. they are the reason why i wouldn't mind travelling everyday from Bulacan to Metro Manila, even if it means i only get 2 hours of sleep. the thought of being surrounded by these people is already a rest. for me, the imperfections of my family is what made them perfect to me.they are the reason why i know i have to survive over and over no matter how hard life can get.

--i always say, pain is the air that artists breathe. and so, i'm thankful of all the pain am carrying right now. because of them, am already learning to share some of my despairs to other people (i am not used to telling people, even my friends about my problems). because of them, i get to accomplish so much at work that am actually looking for more part time jobs right now (message me if you know any). because of them, i became closer to my friends and family. and most of all, my personal relationship with God deepens. and with that, i say bring it on!

--at syempre pa, sa inyo na patuloy na nagtitiyagang magbasa ng mga kalokohan ko. sa ilang beses kong pagtatangka na burahin 'tong blog na 'to, kayo ang dahilan kung bakit natitigilan ako pag iki-click ko na ang delete button. salamat. salamat. salamat. maraming salamat sa inyo 

to start my Thanksgiving Week, after i sponsored yesterday's mass, with the little money left in my wallet, i whipped out my own recipe of crema de fruta for my family. they we're all asking what's the occassion but i just shrugged and said,  trip ko lang basta kumain na lang ka 'yo.

pasensya na pero yung ibang mga thanksgiving deeds ko eh hindi ko na lang siguro i-she-share for the reason that i know all of you will understand, right?

so, HAPPY DB'S THANKSGIVING WEEK everyone! cheers!

___
"Don't waste a minute by not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window -- or break the damn door."
-a text message from a friend
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Friday, September 17, 2010

for love itself is a stranger, that is why

i am a fool who fell in love with a stranger. a stranger whom i don't even know the real name. i was blinded by the beauty and the bright light emanating. the warmth i felt was such that even by words uttered, i melted. i felt content even with the slightest touch. my thirst for affection, so intense that even a whisper of my name seemed so thunderous, it echoes around everywhere. yet now that the stranger is gone, i can't call thy name in the vast darkness. for i don't know the name. and forever i wouldn't know the name. not tomorrow. or even in the coming years. this name i always call, only in my dreams.

i am a fool who fell in love with a stranger. i don't know where to go. or where to look at to find this stranger. this stranger who found me when i am lost. yet now i don't know how to find thee. it was like searching pins in the ocean. a quest for the rainbow's end.  i plead for help from the heavens, but then hell spits its insults and mockery. i can hear satan with his maniacal laughter. for i am in love with a stranger. a stranger who came from nothing. the very same nothing who took my heart. the reason why i am now almost nothing. 

i am a fool who fell in love with a stranger. a person with no eyes to see me. no lips to kiss me. even a mind to remember me. only a faint heart to love me. i kissed thy face, yet my lips touches the wind. but when we make love, we are brought this insane paradise. and in that instant moment, the person is no longer a stranger. for that person is already inside me. digging through my every senses, searching my entire body and finally entering my soul, capturing every sweat and moan of acceptance. but then as i reminisce and look into my memory, i cannot find the stranger again. and then i will remember, the person has no face. and will forever remain so. no matter which mask is put. it will forever remain so.

i am a victim of love to a stranger i've met. a willing victim, prisoner and slave. though i won't be able to look in thy face, my eyes will always see love as thine own face. i don't even care if you don't have a name, for this feeling i have for you cannot be named. not even the wisest man on earth. not even love itself, for it is ashamed of itself knowing how hollow love's name compared to what i have for you. you may not even remember me as more time come to pass. or probably look and come to me. but that's all right. i won't get tired of falling everyday. i'll battle with eternity. 'till eternity itself give up and surrender you, the beautiful stranger i fell in love with.


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"Even before I was touched, I belonged to you; you had only to look at me."
-Louise Gluck
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originally written: the 26th of April 2009


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and it's all because of you

...that i would never be whole. no. there was this piece of my shattered self that was blown away, the one that created this vast hollowness which in no way would be filled. it was you who cursed me with it, you should know that.

...that i'm having trouble trusting. even myself.

...that i don't believe anymore that i was capable of being loved. you've left me. that's all i know. and that brings the conclusion that people would always leave me. i was destined to be alone.

...that last night, I wasn't able to sleep -yet again. if only i could drag you out of my mind. but how? if your blood travels around me. and if your flesh is the same as mine?


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Saturday, September 11, 2010

Dengue

September 5, officially I became one among the 70 thousand Filipinos inflicted with Dengue Fever. What started as a severe headache and a come and go fever turned out to be a dreaded virus that already killed 500 alone this year.  

The Genesis

First night was hell night. Before my mother got to have someone to help her, she was alone with me. Almost twilight then, I started shaking madly. I couldn't control myself and I was shouting how cold I am feeling at that moment. I ordered her to turn off the aircon. My entire body is still shaking. She couldn't leave me alone to call for the nurses. I felt a hot liquid substance trickling on my face. I never noticed I was already crying then. She hugged me tight then and said, just pray. I remember the scapular am always wearing. I tried feeling it. There it was just under my shirt. I was in that state for almost 10 minutes. At last the nurse arrived. Thanks to Paracetamol IV and some more meds injected, I was pacified at the very least.

But the night did not end there. What with cries of a very painful headache, countless vomiting and a fever seesawing from 37 to 38 and to 39, the fine end is just nowhere to be seen.

War of the Platelets 

For my initial platelet count, I hit the borderline of 137. The normal they say is at 150. As medication begins, the next test revealed my platelet count down to 110. Alarming though, the doctor thought it was still a respectable decrease. The problem mounted the next day. My mom went home to get more clothes and other needed stuff. It's just me and my tita. A nurse came telling my tita to come over and that the doctor wanted to talk to her. Unfortunately, she forgot to close the door and so I heard everything they talked about. Apparently, the latest platelet count made an alarming report of a sharp fall, reading from 110 down to only 43, and that the doctor already made a call to the provincial blood bank [of Bulacan] for a bag of platelet. Here, another problem arise. Probably out of nervousness, my blood pressure skyrocketed hitting 140/100. Obviously, more meds were taken in until finally it normalizes in the afternoon whereas the platelet count continue to drop to 40 then finally at 38.

At midnight, they prepared me for a platelet transfusion. The medicine injected before the transfusion is like a very powerful drug which made me dizzy with a feeling that my entire face thickens. As the platelets enter my veins, the pain was overwhelming. I wasn't ready for that. But what could I do? I just welcomed it, counting until it was over probably after 4 hours. I don't know exactly, I must've fallen asleep.

The next morning, for the first time, I was actually feeling better. But the morning news isn't so good. Even after the platelet transfusion, the platelets still weren't winning over the virus. It was down to 33.We were all wondering how is that possible. Here, the doctor talked me over and said it is time I help myself get it over with. So I encourage myself to start eating solid foods for the first time since Friday that I'm not yet confined. I would even sit in the chair for half an hour instead of just lying on my bed. I even started conversing my visitors and would laugh at their goofs. My mood is high. I am beginning to feel better and better.

The 33 platelet count started climbing to 41. After that, it reaches 59. Finally, Wednesday morning, counting to 65 the doctor released me, allowing me to finally go home.

Baby Boy

Not only I felt like one, I was actually named one in the hospital. From my doctor down to the nurses, everyone is calling me "baby boy." Honestly, I was torned between amusement and embarrassment every time they do that. But what could I do? I may probably a 23 year old almost 5'8 tall bloke but under the curse of Dengue, am just as helpless as a 3 year old baby.

Never had it occur to me I'll get Dengue Fever. No, not even in my wildest dream. People couldn't believe it also. Others suspected I got it from my trip to Olongapo last week. My mother said I contacted it in Manila. I myself don't have a concrete idea. But the experience made me realise how important my health is, making me feel guilty of how I neglected it most of the times with no consideration at all. Maybe I have to be first one to treat myself like a baby, yes?


Epilogue

September 8, birthday of the Blessed Virgin Mary, a known Marian devotee was finally healed.

DB is back!

___


"I know God won't give me anything I could not handle. I just wish He didn't trust me that much."
-Mother Theresa of Calcutta

 

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